I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
