We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
