Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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