Michael Bay diarrhea
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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