i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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