someone owes me an orgasm
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Im just a social blackout drinker.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
