yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
