you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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