got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
