is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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