all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
