Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
