Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Help me help you realize you are a moron
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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