Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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