Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
