You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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