Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
