I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize