I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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