apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
