I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think my moral compass just broke
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize