I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
