I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
