why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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