she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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