You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my being single is dangerous.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
