I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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