fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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