PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
