I wannas sexs uuuuu
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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