this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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