my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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