You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
