dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
