I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You ate ashes out of my bong
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
