I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
