so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
only you would photoshop your dick
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
