I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
