My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
