after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
