she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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