Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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