i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
