I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
