She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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