i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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