my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
