It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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