They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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