upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
