You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
