I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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