They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
