Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No...this little piggys going to the bar
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
