Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
