who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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