I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Soap is not a condiment
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
