Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
