if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
